A Missing Piece

I think I need to write about this before the feeling totally disappears as a reminder & lesson to myself.

Err actually I think I already forgot the feeling. Ni lah contoh manusia yang mudah lupa. So tulis apa yang ingat je lah ya.

An excerpt from the article that I googled from internet...

Feelings of grief can often accompany a miscarriage. It is natural to feel loss, sadness, anger, and even guilt, despite the fact that the end result is out of your hands.

Yup I did feel guilty at 1st & kalau direnung2 balik sampai sekarang masih ada rasa bersalah. That's why I need to write about it so that I won't forget & remember it as a lesson. A lesson to always be grateful atas kurniaan Allah, kecik atau besar, ready or not. I took a night to absorb the idea that I was pregnant again. I was scared at 1st, I was afraid that I couldn't handle the responsibilities of being a mom to a toddler & a baby. Aku lupa, that should be the last thing that I should be scared of. Aku lupa I should be scared if anything happens during the pregnancy instead.

After a nite, baru aku tersedar. Baru terfikir that I'll travel, can the pregnancy survive & so on. But my concern only regarding the need to travel to Netherlands. Somehow I thought if anything wants to happen, it'll happen due to that. Allah Maha Besar, perancanganNya is beyond our expectation. Rupa2nya balik dari Taiping on Thursday of the 1st week of Raya the bleeding started. Tak payah nak tunggu aku naik kapal terbang.

Masa mula2 keguguran, I felt like something was taken from me. I felt like I was missing something. There was a desire to replace the missing feeling by getting pregnant again. Hahaa. The feeling only lasted for a week. After a week, I guess I've got over it & finally came to my sense. I should be grateful since I still have Honey. The miscarriage only a small test. الحمدلله at least I had a chance to be pregnant again even only for a few weeks. ;-)

Allah's plan is perfect indeed. There's a reason for everything. There's a reason for the pregnancy & miscarriage ordeal. There's a reason why I had started bleeding even before traveling to Netherlands. Seriously even I thought I was ready, but if I started bleeding after travelling it'd be harder for me to take it. The guiltiness might be greater & the travel didn't worth it. Next time I'll avoid taking such risk.


Me, on the day before the unfortunate event, at the city of Delft waiting for dinner.
Now I guess it's time for us to learn & improve ourselves to be a better parents to Honey & our future kids (انشاء الله). I should take time to let my body ready & completely heal. I should be on a diet. Erghhh. No excuse untuk perut buncit anymore.

Allah mengetahui akan apa yang dikandung oleh tiap-tiap ibu, dan mengetahui apa yang kurang dari yang dikandung dalam rahim itu atau yang lebih. Dan tiap-tiap sesuatu adalah ditetapkan di sisiNya dengan kadar yang tertentu.
(Surah ar-Rad: 8)